This Is Me Breathing

#60: The Wedding Singer?

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Dear Weatherperson,

I realize that meteorology isn't an exact science. I understand that it is impossible to predict the weather and be right 100% of the time. All I'm asking is that you shoot for some more modest goal like...I don't know...how about above 50% to begin with.

I read/heard/saw a story somewhere (I forget where) that some kind of event somewhere was suing some kind of weather service (don't you just love how specific I'm being) for giving an incorrect forecast of rain for the weekend causing attendance of said event to be low (it was an outdoor event). As it turned out (surprise, surprise) the forecast was completely wrong, the weekend turned out to be beautiful and a shit-tonne of money was lost by the event-holders.

When I heard about the lawsuit, I thought to myself, "Well it's about fucking time someone held these ass-hats accountable!"

How does that joke go? Being a weather forecaster is the only job where you can be wrong 80% of the time and still keep your job. Is it still a joke when it stops being funny?

Now I'm not a proponent of frivolous lawsuits and I don't know what became of this suit (it was probably thrown out of court) but I hope more of these stories begin to pop up because someone needs to hold these people responsible for their irresponsible predictions!

Take this past weekend for example.

Now I had a great weekend with the wife and the kid...and the reason we had a great weekend was because we chose to NOT listen to the weather forecast.

According to them, Saturday was going to be the best day—warm with no chance of rain, Sunday was not going to be pleasant as it was supposed to rain on and off most of the day. Then Monday was supposed to be perfect with 0% chance of rain again.

So Saturday, the wife, son and I went out to a splash pad so that Owen could play in the water. We packed some food and planned to stay the afternoon. The SECOND we got there the dark clouds started rolling in. Thankfully, Owen got in some good playing time before the clouds opened up and poured on us forcing us to pack up and leave early. Granted, it only rained for about a half-hour and then the sun came out the rest of the day, but those clouds threatened for the better part of the afternoon.

Sunday was supposed to be the write-off because the forecast said it would rain off and on all day. Despite the warnings, the family and I went up to my buddy's place and hung out around the pool all day. It was a beautiful day...a GORGEOUS day...no threat of rain whatsoever.

The forecast had changed and instead of rain all day Sunday it was going to be rain all day Monday.

So after a perfect Sunday, we figured we'd spend the day at home on Monday. We hung out in the backyard for most of the day. I mowed the lawn, Owen played in his pool and I got a bit of a sunburn...once again...NO FUCKING RAIN!!!

For the most part, this summer has been pretty miserable weather-wise. We haven't enjoyed a whole lot of warm weather, it has rained more days than I can remember, it has been pretty crappy thus far. The last thing we need are these know-it-alls telling us that yet another weekend is going to be crappy forcing people to change their plans (or, heaven forbid cancel them).

It's a good thing this past weekend I chose to ignore their warnings and had a good time anyway.

These people need to be held responsible and to do my part (I know I haven't done this in a looooooooooooong time) I'm going to predict that for all so-called weather forecasters out there, I see their futures as being partly cloudy with a 100% chance of BITCH SLAPS coming right up.

Is This What Passes For Good Music These Days?

I know it's going to sound like I'm getting old and disgruntled—hell, I am getting old...but hopefully not disgruntled—but I just can't let this slide.

Apparently today Britney Spears release her new comeback single called Womanizer. I'm posting it here so you can give it a listen. Not because I think it deserves a listen...but because I want to find out first hand what you think of it. I want to make sure I'm not going crazy.

This unbelievable example of what is wrong with the music industry today is why I don't listen to the radio anymore. It's blatant attempt to embed it's annoying hook into your skull with its maddeningly repetative chorus is tantamount to Chinese Water Torture. This is so bad, and what makes it worse is the massive marketing drive being made to get this on the radio and into people's heads which will probably work.

Check out this site that is being hosted by a radio station and look at the comments being left by listeners. Not only is there a derth of negativity in the comments, but most of them are resoundingly positive filled with all-caps proclamations of the pop queen's return to prominence.

I realize that I'm not the demographic that this sort of music and/or marketing is aimed at but it just boggles my mind that anyone would listen to the above track and think anything of it other than how awful it is. This led me to suspect that perhaps these comments weren't completely indicative of actual public reaction so I decided to put fingers to keyboard and chime in with my thoughts on the new track. I was careful to refrain from using any kind of language that would be considered offensive thereby giving them an excuse to censor my comment or even omit it altogether.

When I was done, I clicked submit and got a message thanking me for my comment and notifying me that my message would be posted pending some sort of review. Well, 2 hours and dozens of other comments later, my comment has yet to appear on the site.

I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised but I guess part of me was holding out hope that there was still some sense of fairness and most of all...taste left in the world.

I suppose that makes me a cynic and yes...a bit disgruntled.

So, for turning me into one of those people who complain about what kids are listening to these days and for releasing such a poor excuse for music, I offer Britney and her team of PR handlers a great big BITCH SLAP...Oops, I've done it again!

The NHL Are A Bunch Of Overly Sensitive Pussies

The NHL never ceases to amaze me, when I see a league that tries so hard to look so tough, yet everyone's panties get tied up in a knot over the most asinine things. A league that tries so hard to get noticed south of the border, yet at every turn does something so bush league. A league that can't come to a consensus about what to do when players are assaulted on the ice, yet act swiftly to make sure that a goof like Sean Avery can't make an ass of himself in front of Martin Brodeur. It's embarrassing really, and it has nothing to do with what Avery did two nights ago against the Devils. It has everything to do with the hockey community's severe overreaction over what he did.

First let me just say this Avery is a tool, plain and simple. But what he did in front of Brodeur was harmless, if not incredibly stupid and a little genius at the same time. Here is the video, if you haven't seen it yet.

Now, what the fuck was wrong with what Avery was doing there?! He was distracting Brodeur. He wasn't touching him, he wasn't interfering with him, he was screening him and being VERY effective too.

So you have puckheads saying that Avery, in his actions was disrespecting Martin Brodeur. Oh, poor Martin—arguably the best goalie in the history of the NHL and a multi-millionaire to boot. Were your feelings hurt? Poor baby. WHO THE FUCK CARES?! As much of a dick as Avery is, he has every right to do everything in his power within the rules to help his team win. I give him kudos for being creative.

Well, the NHL head office were pretty fucking swift to make sure this "disgrace to the game" never happens again. In what can only be described as a monumental overreaction, they went ahead and massaged the misconduct rule to make sure that this never happened again.

It kills me that it takes this league years and years to enact certain rules that might benefit the game and players' safety (ie: no-touch icing, mandatory visors, etc...), yet take only one day to make sure one of their superstars doesn't get his feelings hurt.

NHL head office weren't the only overreactors. Players, media and fans alike have been chiming in over the last 48 hours to talk about how despicable an act it was. Meanwhile guys  like Chris Pronger get away with trying to sever another player's Achilles with his skate blade and gets short unpaid vacation for his atrocity.

If you ask me (and I know you didn't) what Avery did, wasn't any more embarrassing for Brodeur than it was for his own team. It was stupid in the sense that he had his back turned to the play and could have easily blocked a shot that would have gone in, or taken a shot to the back of his head. But it wasn't illegal.

It was genius because he succeeded in distracting Brodeur and although a goal wasn't scored immediately as a result, Avery did score seconds later and who knows how much of an effect his previous actions had on Brodeur's psyche.

Puckheads say that Brodeur is too much of a vet to let antics like that bother him. Obviously this wasn't the case. It seems to me he was sufficiently bothered, he even took a couple of shots at Avery (something that hasn't even been mentioned). On the very next play, Avery scored. Looks like it worked. But it will never work again, the NHL has made sure about that. The league, players, media and fans are very good at making sure all creativity in the game is stifled. Usually in the name of good sportsmanship or for the good of the game or something to the effect.

Case in point: I recall back when Sidney Crosby was still in junior, there was a play where he was behind a net with the puck (ala Gretzky) but instead of coming out with either a pass or a wraparound, he picked the puck up with his stick and scored a lacrosse-style goal. It was brilliant and it worked! He got raked over the coals by puckheads for showboating, as if, somehow his actions were an insult to the other team or the game itself.

Fast-forward to this year in the all-star game where the NHL tried that breakaway challenge. The only player who tried anything creative was Ovechkin. The event failed miserably because of lack of creativity. Because NHL players aren't allowed to show any sort of creativity for fear that he might insult the opposition or maybe insight them into playing better.

It's no surprise that the most exciting player today isn't Crosby, it's Ovechkin. Why? Because he doesn't care if his actions insult his opponents. He's playing for himself, his team and the fans...so was Avery. Perhaps hockey needs more Sean Averys.

This league is constantly shooting itself in the foot. This one story has eclipsed what has otherwise been a pretty exciting playoffs so far. This league head office doesn't have a clue. The problem in this case though is that the rest of the hockey community seems to actually agree with the league's actions. It's no wonder when other sports fans look at hockey as a viewing option, they dismiss it as a bush league sport.

So I'm offering up a round of Bitch Slaps all around; To the NHL, the media, the players and the fans. LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP! Don't be so sensitive! You're supposed to be tough guys not a bunch of little girls!

Just One More Reason to Hate the Leafs...Oh...And The CBC!

Up until this past season, the only reason I tuned in to the CBC was for three shows; The Hour, HNIC and RMR. But this past season I had two other reasons to watch the Mother Corporation, and they were called MVP and JPod.

The first (MVP) was a guilty pleasure mix of T&A and Canadiana. It had an ambitiously large ensemble cast and more storylines than you could shake a stick at. It was a truly Canadian soap opera and it appealed to both my wife and I for very different (yet oddly similar) reasons. MVP's season finale went to a dark place that I wasn't expecting and it actually made anxious for next season...alas, according to this CBC.ca article, that isn't going to happen now.

JPod was a new dark comedy based on a book by Douglas Coupland of the same name. The cast was young and fresh and it featured a hilarious Alan Thicke in a role that would surprise even the most loyal Growing Pains fan. I especially love the role of the pot-growing mother played by an amazing Sherry Miller. This show was probably the best thing CBC has ever produced and it was attracting a younger audience too! Something that the CBC has problems doing. So, they were a sure lock for renewal right? Wrong.

BTW, CBC also announced that they'd be renewing shows like; The Border, Sophie, Little Mosque On The Prairie, Dragon's Den and This Hour Has 22 Minutes.

Now I don't have anything against some of these shows, but really...I think 22 Minutes has had its time don't you? I mean who watches it anymore? Why couldn't they drop it in favour of a new show that might bring in some younger viewers like...say...JPod?

So what does this have to do with the Leafs? Another article on CBC.ca reports that if when the Leafs don't make the playoffs this year it will cost the network $10M in lost revenue. This hit meant that some of the network's newer shows had to go.

So there you have it...the Leafs aren't only hurting Toronto hockey fans, but now it seems their ever-extending reach has touched the lives of Canadian soap opera and dark comedy fans as well.

For not finding a way to keep these two great shows going, and for being the reason for the cancellation of these two shows, I offer both the CBC and the Toronto Maple Leafs respectively, two giant Bitch Slaps!

Leafs' Drafting Record

As I wrote last year, my #1 team used to be the Toronto Maple Leafs. But since then, I've turned my sporting attention to other more serious teams such as the Raptors, Jays, Argos and Penguins.

I got a little flack for my stance from some saying that I was nothing but a fairweather fan, a bandwagon jumper to which I responded with a resounding BITE ME!

I think I'm a bigger fan for wanting what's best for the team, not just sitting back and watching them screw things up at every turn and accepting it blindly.

Well, on the surface, it seems that the team is finaly beginning to take the steps necessary to affect real change. They fired their GM and are in the process of finding a replacement. They're saying all the right things and even seem to be surrendering to the idea that perhaps sneaking into the playoffs isn't what's best for this team right now. Maybe they need to lose before they can win.

Now I'm not saying I'm completely back on the Leafs' bandwagon, but I am watching with interest, if not much suspicion. I'm not 100% sure they've finally opened their eyes, but I'm willing to watch as they stumble upon the truth. That this organizatin has been poorly run for many, many, MANY years.

Case in point:

Recently I've stumbled upon a podcast titled Leafs Central...at Lunch this is a group of your typical battered Leaf fan wives banded together to create a weekly podcast about their favourite team. Now despite their obvious bias, I'm enjoying listening to their show—more for the fact that I'm interested in the whole podcasting process but also because I find their brand of loyalty a little more refreshing than the blatant onair ass-kissing done by the good folks on AM 640. Probably because the guys from the podcast say what they want when they want without worrying about interference from MLSE.

At any rate, the guys fromt he pocast mentioned the website MyNHLDraft.com which peaked my interest so I took a look. As I was browsing through it, I began to see some of the Leafs picks in past drafts and what I found interesting are the players they didn't pick but could have!

It's Open Season On My Childhood Favourites

I've written in the past about how Hollywood seems to have lost any and all originality by raping and pillaging old ideas and redressing them as new ones. Many of the most recent atrocities have come at the expense of some of my favourite childhood shows.

Just when I thought they couldn't do worse, they go ahead and prove me wrong.

The New Threat To National Security...Me...You...

Wow! Today, I feel powerful.

According to FoxNews, bloggers are no better than Nazis or KKK...oh brother...here we go again...setting the Bitch Slap on stun.

This Fox Is Not So Sly

Global warming...fact or fiction? The answer might seem obvious to many of us, but Fox News knows better. Thanks to Brave New Films for this clip.

My favourite part is where they accuse the Democrats of fear mongering and then a few seconds later (earlier?) someone says that they're more concerned about a terrorist bombing than a glacier melting.

Ah...Good Times.

Bitch Slaps all around for this one.

Okay...Now I'm Fucking Pissed!

Gary Bettman needs to be fired!

Ever since this guy took over the NHL, we've lost 2 Canadian-based teams (Quebec and Winnipeg) and we've gain a bunch of teams in crappy hockey-markets that just don't give a shit about the game—we did get one back Ottawa, but that was probably just to appease the Canadian Hockey fan to make up for losing the other two teams.Bettman has since done everything in his power to prevent the game from coming back to Canada where it belongs...where the people actually care about it.

American teams are losing money hand-over-fist because they can't sell tickets, they have a crappy TV deal (if you can even call it that), they foolishly let go of ESPN and opted instead for a cable network (Versus) that most Americans don't know exists. The ratings for the NHL in the states are non-existent, they're lower than poker and the FREAKING SPELLING BEE!