This Is Me Breathing

Saturday Spam

I got this one from Leanne:

Male or Female?

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples...

Saturday Spam

Hehehe, old people are funny...

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

Saturday Spam

Here is an interesting chain letter. As usual, the email was prefaced by the sender saying, "I don't usually send these but this was interesting/freaky/hilarious!" you fill in the blank. Why do they say that? Everyone knows that they do usually send them. My mail box is full of chain letters from them. Still, some of these chain letters are pretty well researched.

Saturday Spam

This one was mildly amusing...

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

• Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Saturday Spam

What's that you say? You say you haven't heard a Johnny joke in awhile? Well, we're just going to have to fix that.

Here's an oldie but a goodie...

Saturday Spam

Subject: 0 to 200

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE ".

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, Brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

Hehehe...she killed him 'cause she was fat...hehehe...

Inheritence

My favourite sender of spam sent me this one:

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly Father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.  So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

If by smart she means petty, superficial, greedy and shallow, I would have to defend women by saying that not all of them are like that.

Take my wife for instance, she is neither greedy, nor is she shallow. Hence here marriage to me.

To: Leaf Fans everywhere

I received this one from a Habs fan...

Just read an interesting article in the Toronto Star & thought I would pass this on to LEAF Fans everywhere.

Of course, we all know the Leafs won the Stanley Cup in 1867, no I mean 1967 and here's some interesting facts that have transpired since then :

New Segment: SPAM

Lately my blog entries have slowed down to a trickle and so I've decided that in order to keep things new and fresh around here, I needed some help.

I haven't had too much to rant about lately. Yes, things in my life have finally settled down again—knock on wood—with only the small change of a pending addition to our little family to look forward to—yes, I know, that's all. Therefore, I've had little fodder for my rants lately and precious little time to work on the book, or anything else for that matter. I do have a couple of things in the back of my head that I've been meaning to write about, but I just haven't had the time to do it. The baby is coming and preparations have to be made, so in order to keep things interesting, fresh, and hopefully somewhat amusing around here, I've decided to get some help on gathering content for some quick posts—which this one is turning out not to be.